Understanding your grief after loss

Understanding your grief after loss

Grief is a natural response to deep love

When a baby dies during pregnancy or in infancy, it can feel as though the world has stopped — but everyone else keeps going. The grief that follows is profound, unique, and deeply personal.

Grief is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of love.

You may find yourself asking, "Am I grieving the right way?"

There is no single "right" way, only your way. Many people find it helpful to know that their experience is their own and that pregnancy or infant loss in Australia, is sadly, very common.

What we know

  • Miscarriage is common. Estimates used in Australia put the rate of recognised miscarriage at about 1 in 4 pregnancies, and some organisations estimate roughly 285 miscarriages per day in Australia (this number includes early pregnancy losses). Miscarriage Australia
  • Perinatal deaths (stillbirth + neonatal death) remain a measurable concern. The Australian Institute of Health and Welfare (AIHW) reports the perinatal mortality rate in 2023 was 11.0 deaths per 1,000 births, of which about 8.7 per 1,000 were stillbirths and 2.3 per 1,000 were neonatal deaths — figures that reflect both clinical and reporting changes and are being closely investigated. AIHW
  • Long-term trends vary by definition and gestation. Using international (WHO) definitions, stillbirths in Australia decreased to around 2.5 per 1,000 births in 2021, though rates differ by gestational-age definition and between years and regions. AIHW’s analyses show mixed trends (declines in some late-gestation stillbirth measures, increases in other categories), underlining the complexity behind the numbers. AIHW
  • Termination for Medical Reasons (TFMR) is less common but significant for those affected. Academic estimates suggest TFMR accounts for roughly 0.05% to 1% of pregnancies in Australia (about up to a few thousand cases annually), and many families impacted by TFMR report complex grief that is often overlooked. ABC
  • Sudden unexpected infant deaths (including SIDS) are rare but devastating. In 2022 there were 83 infants under 1 year who died from SIDS and undetermined causes in Australia — a rate of about 0.3 per 1,000 live births — with variation between jurisdictions. Queensland Family and Child Commission

Why these numbers matter

Statistics don’t make grief smaller, but they can reduce isolation — knowing loss is experienced by many can help parents feel less alone and can strengthen calls for better support and bereavement care.

Common emotional and physical reactions

The Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement explains that grief can affect every part of your being — emotionally, mentally and physically.

Many parents experience:

  • Shock, numbness or disbelief
  • Waves of intense sadness, yearning or emptiness
  • Anxiety or panic, feeling out of control
  • Denial, anger, guilt or self-blame
  • Confusion, forgetfulness or difficulty concentrating
  • Changes in appetite or sleep
  • Physical pain, fatigue, chest tightness or nausea

These are all normal reactions to profound loss. They are not signs that you are broken — they are signs that you are grieving.

Grief Isn’t linear

Grief often comes in waves. Some days may feel gentler, then a memory or milestone can bring a sudden surge of pain.

It’s common to feel like you are moving “backwards” just when you feel you have made progress to 'move on' — but you are not. This is simply the nature of grief: it ebbs and flows.

A routine day, a song, or a due date can bring intense emotion. Progress is not a straight line: fluctuating pain, relief, or numbness are all part of the human response.

Grief, Trauma and Depression — Knowing the Difference

While grief is a natural process, sometimes the intensity or duration of your feelings might point to trauma or depression. Signs you might need extra support include:

  • Feeling numb or detached for long periods
  • Inability to function in daily tasks, feeling distracted with wondering thoughts
  • Recurrent intrusive memories, nightmares or flashbacks (possible trauma responses)
  • Ongoing nightmares or flashbacks
  • Persistent hopelessness or thoughts of not wanting to live
  • Intense anxiety, panic attacks or hypervigilance that doesn't ease with usual supports

If you notice these signs, you are not failing — it simply means you may need additional care and support, not that you are grieving “wrong”. Reaching out for specialised mental health, perinatal psychology or grief counselling is a wise and compassionate step.

You are not alone

If you or your partner need immediate help or peer support, the following Australian organisations offer specialist services, counselling and peer connection:

  • Red Nose Grief and Loss / Sands (peer support, counselling). AIHW+1
  • Bears of Hope (support and practical resources). AIHW
  • Pink Elephants (support for TFMR). pinkelephants.org.au
  • PANDA (Perinatal Anxiety & Depression Australia) for perinatal mental health support. AIHW

Gentle reminder

Healing is not about “getting over” the loss — it’s about carrying your baby’s memory with you, and learning how to live again with love, hope, and support.

Want to help someone, but not sure how?

Seeing someone you love grieve is hard, because we want to make it better and fix it for them. However, it is their journey and while we can't know what it's like to be in their shoes, showing up for them, can make a world of difference. 

During this sensitive time, a gesture of thoughtful, loving kindness, helps them know they are not alone. We have hand selected sympathy products in our Pregnancy loss gift hampers to show compassion to help with their healing journey.  

👜 Pregnancy Loss sympathy gift hampers →

Cited Research & References

  1. Miscarriage Australia. (n.d.). Miscarriage statistics. Retrieved from https://www.miscarriageaustralia.com.au/
  2. Australian Institute of Health and Welfare (AIHW). (2024). Perinatal deaths in Australia 2022. Retrieved from https://www.aihw.gov.au/reports/mothers-babies/perinatal-deaths-in-australia
  3. Australian Institute of Health and Welfare (AIHW). (2023). Stillbirths in Australia 1991–2021. Retrieved from https://www.aihw.gov.au/reports/mothers-babies/stillbirths-in-australia
  4. Pink Elephants Support Network. (n.d.). TFMR information and support. Retrieved from https://www.pinkelephants.org.au/
  5. Australian Bureau of Statistics (ABS). (2023). Causes of Death, Australia: Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Retrieved from https://www.abs.gov.au/statistics/health/causes-death/causes-death-australia

 

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