Navigating grief's emotional rollercoaster

Navigating grief's emotional rollercoaster

It hurts to walk on the path of healing after loss 

Grief following miscarriage, stillbirth, termination for medical reasons (TFMR), neonatal death, or sudden infant death (SIDS) is not a linear journey. Pregnancy and infant loss can shatter the world as you know it. Whether the loss occurs through miscarriage, stillbirth, termination for medical reasons (TFMR), neonatal death, or SIDS, the emotional aftermath can be all-consuming.

Understanding these emotional responses, and knowing they are normal, valid, and shared by others, can help parents feel less isolated and more supported during their healing journey.

The emotional landscape of pregnancy or infant grief and loss

Grief during this time is devastating, messy, unpredictable, and deeply personal. While well-meaning friends and family might expect you to “move on” after a certain period, the truth is that grief evolves — it doesn’t simply disappear.

Understanding what this emotional rollercoaster might look like, and knowing that your feelings are valid, can offer an anchor in the storm.

Grief often comes in waves — periods of relative calm followed by sudden surges of emotion, sometimes triggered by milestones (due dates, anniversaries), or by sensory reminders like a smell or song. These waves are a normal part of the grieving process, not a sign of “regression” or “failing” to heal.

A large Australian study (PSANZ, 2021) found that more than 60% of bereaved parents experienced symptoms of depression or anxiety within six months of loss, and many reported persistent grief beyond one year. This reflects just how profound and long-lasting the impact of perinatal and infant loss can be.

1. Shock and numbness

  • In the initial days and weeks, many parents experience emotional shock, disbelief, or dissociation
  • This can act as a protective mechanism, giving the mind time to process the reality of the loss

2. Sadness, denial, yearning, and guilt

  • Deep sadness, crying spells, emptiness, and yearning for the baby are common and can persist for months or years

Feelings of self-blame are common, even when parents logically know they are not at fault. One study found that up to 50% of parents experiencing stillbirth reported intense guilt or feelings of personal responsibility, despite medical evidence showing they did nothing wrong

This search for answers is a natural attempt to regain control in a situation that feels uncontrollable. Compassionate self-talk and professional support can help reframe these thoughts and reduce their emotional weight.

3. Anger and irritability

  • Anger can be directed inward (self-blame) or outward (towards healthcare providers, friends, or the world)
  • Anger is a natural expression of grief, especially when the loss feels unfair or preventable

4. Anxiety and fear

  • Anxiety, panic, and fear of future loss are frequent, especially in subsequent pregnancies
  • Some parents experience post-traumatic stress symptoms (flashbacks, hyper-vigilance, avoidance)

5. Relief (in TFMR or traumatic pregnancies)

  • After a TFMR or a high-risk pregnancy, some parents may feel relief that their baby’s suffering ended — a response that often coexists with grief
  • This duality can create conflicting emotions and sometimes shame, which counselling can help to process

Grief is not linear

  • Grief doesn’t follow neat “stages.” Emotions cycle and overlap — many parents describe “good days” and “bad days” that appear unpredictably
  • External triggers (due dates, anniversaries, other pregnancies, hospital visits) can reawaken grief months or years later
  • Researchers describe grief as oscillating between confronting the loss and engaging with life again

Risk of complicated and disenfranchised grief

Pregnancy and infant loss can be especially difficult because it is often a form of disenfranchised grief — grief that is not openly acknowledged or socially supported. Friends and colleagues may not know what to say or may unintentionally minimize the loss.

  • About 20–25% of parents experience prolonged grief disorder or complicated grief, where intense yearning and distress persist beyond 6–12 months
  • Risk factors include traumatic birth, lack of social support, relationship strain, and previous mental health conditions

Parents frequently report feeling like they have to hide their grief, which can intensify feelings of isolation and shame. It’s important to remember: your loss is real, your baby mattered, and your grief deserves space.

Early identification and specialist bereavement counselling can reduce long-term impacts

Finding hope: Meaning-making and growth

Parents may replay the pregnancy or birth, searching for answers — a behaviour linked to the need to make meaning

While grief may never fully disappear, many parents eventually find ways to integrate the loss into their lives and identities. This is known as meaning-making — discovering personal significance from tragedy.

Studies show that meaning-making is linked to lower levels of complicated grief and depression. Acts like creating memory boxes, naming your baby, supporting other bereaved families, or marking anniversaries can help shift grief from acute pain to enduring love.

Importantly, this does not mean “getting over” your loss — rather, it’s about learning to carry it with compassion and gentleness.

What can help parents cope

  • Validating their emotions — Assure parents that all feelings are normal, even contradictory ones.
  • Counselling and peer support — Perinatal loss counsellors and peer groups (e.g. Red Nose, Bears of Hope, Sands) offer a safe, understanding space
  • Self-compassion practices — Gentle routines (mindfulness, journalling, memory rituals) can support emotional regulation
  • Support from partners/family — Open communication helps bridge different grieving styles
  • Flexible return to work — Gradual transitions and supportive employers can reduce stress during early grief
  • Journaling or expressive writing to process complex emotions
  • Rituals and memorials to honour and maintain connection
  • Self-compassion practices — speaking to yourself as you would to a dear friend

These approaches are supported by a large body of evidence showing that emotional expression, validation, and social support reduce the risk of prolonged grief and depression.

Seeking professional help

Grieving parents are encouraged to seek mental health support if they experience:

  • Persistent despair or numbness beyond several months
  • Inability to care for themselves or others
  • Suicidal thoughts or self-harm urges
    Immediate support is available via Lifeline (13 11 14) or PANDA (1300 726 306).

A gentle reminder

Grief after pregnancy and infant loss is not something to “get over.”
It is something parents learn to live with, and with compassionate support, it can soften over time.

Emotional ups and downs are part of this journey — and no parent should have to navigate it alone. Grief after pregnancy or infant loss is one of the deepest heartbreaks a person can experience. It is not something to “get over” — it is something you learn to live alongside.

Want to help them, but not sure how?

Even when the emotions feel chaotic or unbearable, help them remember that they are not broken. This is grief doing its painful but sacred work. They are still a parent. Their baby is still forever loved. And their grief deserves to be held with tenderness.

During this sensitive time, a gesture of thoughtful, loving kindness, helps them know they are not alone. We have hand selected sympathy products in our Pregnancy loss gift hampers to show compassion to help with their healing journey.  

👜 Pregnancy Loss sympathy gift hampers →

Cited Research & References

  1. Cacciatore, J. (2013). The unique experiences of women and their families after perinatal death. Omega. 
  2. Boyle, F. M., et al. (2015). The psychosocial consequences of stillbirth for parents: A systematic review. BJOG. 
  3. Kersting, A., & Wagner, B. (2012). Complicated grief after perinatal loss. Dialogues Clin Neurosci. 
  4. Badenhorst, W., & Hughes, P. (2007). Psychological aspects of perinatal loss. Best Pract Res Clin Obstet Gynaecol. 
  5. Murphy, S., & Cacciatore, J. (2017). The psychological, social, and economic impact of stillbirth on families. BMC Pregnancy and Childbirth. 
  6. Côté-Arsenault, D. (2003). The influence of perinatal loss on anxiety in subsequent pregnancy. J Obstet Gynecol Neonatal Nurs. 
  7. Krosch, D. J., & Shakespeare-Finch, J. (2017). Grief, traumatic stress, and posttraumatic growth after perinatal loss. Death Studies. 
  8. Turton, P., et al. (2009). Depression after stillbirth. Br J Psychiatry. 
  9. Hughes, P., & Riches, S. (2003). Psychological aspects of perinatal loss. BMJ. 
  10. Lafarge, C., et al. (2013). Termination for fetal abnormality: grief and psychological outcomes. BJOG. 
  11. Williams, C., et al. (2018). The lived experience of mothers following TFMR. Midwifery. 
  12. Stroebe, M., & Schut, H. (2010). The Dual Process Model of coping with bereavement. Death Studies. 
  13. Obst, K. L., & Due, C. (2019). Australian parents’ experiences of stillbirth triggers. Women and Birth. 
  14. Stroebe, M., & Schut, H. (1999). The Dual Process Model of coping with bereavement. Death Studies. 
  15. Kersting, A., et al. (2011). Complicated grief after perinatal loss: Risk factors and treatment. Curr Opin Psychiatry. 
  16. Turton, P., et al. (2006). Risk factors for post-traumatic stress and depression following stillbirth. Br J Psychiatry. 
  17. Obst, K. L., et al. (2020). Supporting parents after stillbirth: Australian service gaps and needs. Women and Birth. 
  18. Sands Australia. Support for grieving parents. 
  19. Neimeyer, R. A. (2012). Techniques of grief therapy: Creative practices for counselling the bereaved. Routledge. 
  20. Obst, K. L., & Due, C. (2021). Men’s grief after stillbirth in Australia. Death Studies. 
  21. Murphy, S., et al. (2018). Parental grief and return to work after perinatal loss. BMC Pregnancy and Childbirth. 
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