Losing myself to become a mother

“I don’t feel like myself. Wait, I actually don't know who I am anymore"

You may have whispered this while holding your newborn. Or thought it, mid-scroll on a social feed of people who haven’t given birth, who are out there still being themselves.

You love your baby. You’re grateful. But underneath the oxytocin surges and sleep-deprived joy, there’s a quiet truth many mothers carry:

“I miss who I was and what my 'old' life was… and I don’t know who I am now.”

What you're feeling is called 'matrescence'

Matrescence is the physical, psychological, emotional, and social transition a woman undergoes when becoming a mother — similar to adolescence in its intensity and duration.

Coined by anthropologist Dana Raphael in the 1970s, matrescence includes:

• Hormonal fluctuations
• Brain changes
• Identity disorientation
• Loss of autonomy
• Shifts in relationships and social role

A 2022 review in the Australian & New Zealand Journal of Psychiatry found that mothers often experience “dissonance between their former and current identities,” leading to emotional distress, self-doubt, and loss of confidence — particularly in the first year postpartum.

Yet most women aren’t told this is normal. So they assume it’s personal failure.

"Where did I go?"

You used to be spontaneous, ambitious, social. Now your days revolve around feeding schedules, sleep regressions, and emotional whiplash.

“I was once a working in corporate, multiple stakeholders, big budgets and demanding deadlines. Now I’m weeping because my baby won’t nap and I haven’t brushed my teeth. I’ve never felt more proud — and more invisible.”

This tension — between deep love and deep grief — is at the heart of matrescence.

You’re mourning the version of you who had time, space, and freedom. And that grief is valid — even in the presence of joy.

What the Science Says

You’re not imagining it. Motherhood reshapes your brain, your sense of time, and your relationships. MRI studies show that a woman’s brain literally restructures during pregnancy and postpartum, particularly in areas related to:

• Empathy
• Fear detection
• Multitasking
• Social cognition

One longitudinal study published in Nature Neuroscience (Hoekzema et al., 2017) found that these brain changes persisted for at least two years postpartum, making mothers more attuned to their baby’s needs — but also more emotionally sensitive and identity-disoriented.

It’s not just brain deep — it cuts through your existing identity

Matrescence isn’t just about biology. It’s about identity loss and reformation.

When surveyed by Perinatal Anxiety & Depression Australia (PANDA), 68% of new mothers reported feeling like they “lost who they were” in the first 6 months after birth.

Common thoughts include:

• “Will I ever feel like me again?”
• “I love my baby… but I don’t recognise this life.”
• “I miss being someone other than a mum.”
• "I want my old carefree life back."

These are not selfish thoughts — they’re human. You’re not broken for feeling them.

How to honour the self that’s evolving

Healing from identity loss doesn’t mean snapping back. It means softening forward — slowly reintegrating pieces of yourself while adapting to a new, evolving whole. Here’s how to begin:

1. Name it without shame: Naming grief helps reduce shame and validates your experience. Say out loud: “This is hard. I miss my old self.”
2. Connect with other mothers: Isolation intensifies identity loss. Sharing your story builds community and reduces the “I must be the only one” illusion. Research in the Journal of Maternal Mental Health confirms that peer support significantly reduces depressive symptoms and improves maternal identity development. (Smith et al., 2021)
3. Revisit passions in small doses: You don’t need hours — you need slivers. Read 3 pages of a book. Put on music you loved pre-baby. Text a friend with “remember when?” These micro-acts of self-remembering help weave together the old and new you.
4. Ask for help — early and often: You can’t be your full self if you're surviving on fumes. Allowing support doesn’t diminish your strength — it expands your capacity to rediscover joy.

You haven’t lost yourself — You’re becoming

You haven’t disappeared, you're transforming. You’re being reassembled — body, mind, soul — into something even more expansive. Like a caterpillar in the cocoon ready to become a butterfly. 

Yes, you’re tired. Yes, you’ve changed. And yes — you’re still in there.

Motherhood didn’t erase you. It’s growing you.

At Omoiyari, we honour that growth. Not with pressure to bounce back — but with space to re-emerge.

One breath.

One cry.

One rediscovery at a time.